The First Surgery

 Captains Log Star Date December 11, 2008.
Well, it's surgery day and I am pumped. I kiss my troops goodbye and my wife drives me to the hospital for my slaughtering. Sorry, I meant to say surgery.  I filled out the necessary paper work...

SORRY, THERE HAS BEEN A BREAKING NEWS FLASH.. THE DUKE BLUE DEVILS HAVE LOST, I REPEAT THE DUKE BLUE DEVILS HAVE LOST...

Now for a moment of silence.. Hahahahahahahahahahaha, so much for that.

Mean while back at the ranch, I was filling out all my paperwork. Things like, Dr. F.K can operate on my foot (RED LIGHT), next of kin, blood type, etc, etc..  The one that sticks out is he wanted to use a numbing pump to relieve the pain after the surgery, THIS IS IMPORTANT!  So all that is done, and I kiss my boo bye.  Off to the prep room I go.  Don't slaughter houses have prep rooms too? Hmm? Anyway, I meet the staff and we joke and kid until the anesthesiologist breaks out his numbing needle for my leg.  He proceeds to ask me a very stupid question, ready?  He asks me, "Do I want the whole leg numb or just from the calf down?"  The kicker was the second question, "DO YOU WANT TO BE COMPLETELY KNOCKED OUT?"  HELLO, we have a winner.  Well, now that we have taken care of that,  let's get to the numbing. My friend breaks out a needle the size of a flagpole.  So of course I ask him, where is THAT going?  "In your hip," he says. Well that's nice, I replied.  He did assure me that I would be passed out before he put it in my hip, and thank my Heavenly Father I was.  That would have been an ugly scene.  Now, I am prepped, drugged, and ready to be wheeled off.  Oh, I forgot to say that Dr F.K. said, "Everything would be fine."  Can we all say "LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!!"


Scene two:  Well, I am awake in the recovery room in a daze wondering where I am. Oh, that's right I got my foot fixed. My boo comes to the recovery room and sits with me.  Dr. F.K. comes in and says, "It took a little longer than expected."  Really? How long does is take to permanently disable somebody?  Remember when I signed all that paperwork including the paperwork for the numbing pump.  The pump was there in my cast, but so was a 600lb ice machine on my foot that I did not SIGN for. Yes, that company tried to charge me for their $435.00 ice machine that I did not SIGN for. If anyone ever offers you such a device PLEASE say no.  It gets so cold you want to cut off your foot.  Dr F.K. says, "It reduces swelling."  I guess so because it freezes your blood so it won't circulate. [ By the way if anybody needs one, I still have mine as a collectors item.]  I am now going home, drugged and frozen, nice combo. My boo had to drag me up the stairs to get in my house, and get a chair with wheels to roll me to the couch where I would be for awhile.  So there I lay on the couch with a remote to the TV, my drugs, numbing pump, freeze ray machine, and my handy dandy pee cup. Can you picture it?  Man, I haven't even got to the good part.. Remember, this is the first surgery.